Fatherless on Father's Day

I have been on the earth since April of 1949 and during all those decades I have been blessed with having a Dad. Not just your run of the mill Dad, but to me, a real superhero of a father. A parent who was handsome, dashing, and sometimes stern while I was growing up. But he was also a father whose heart melted when I gave him a hug or a smile. The man would have done anything in the world for me or for my children. He was my hero. For his entire life, he took care of his family, loving and nurturing us, and always being there whenever we needed him. I admired him as far back as I can remember. My mother kept scrapbooks/journals of her family until she passed away and in those precious tattered books are years of Father's Day cards that I either made by hand or bought to give my Dad. Charming, tender, sometimes funny cards with me as a child apologizing for being so difficult and promising to be better behaved next year, or me explaining my way out of trouble as a teen, or in later years thanking him for being there and helping me out of a jam in one way or another. 59 years of cards from his daughter. And today sadly, is the first Father's Day without my Dad. Its more difficult than I ever imagined. I do have many wonderful memories that tug at my heart and sustain me. His loving smile, him skipping down the street with me hand in hand and carrying my little sister in one arm while I held tightly to the other, driving me to band practice, or modeling gigs, coming to my place when I was out of college and single with a bucket in hand to save me from a terrifying frog in my bathroom. There was always Daddy. He was always there for his little girl, even when that little girl grew into a woman. He was strong and fearless! He was my salvation during a difficult divorce and gave me strength to continue and persevere. He was so proud when I gave him his first grandchild and his last. I will never forget him holding up my son, Seth, to the neighbors like the mighty King in Disney's movie, "The Lion King" proudly stating, "Look, Here he is, my grandson". I have never seen such joy in his eyes as I did that day when he held up the child that would carry on his legacy for future generations. I imagine my mother saw that look of pride each time he first held one of his own children; my brother, my sister or myself. He was a loving, kind, good man.And he desperately loved his children, his grandchildren, and my mother was the love of his life. Sadly, today he isn't here for us anymore. Today is the first Father's Day without the man who was my hero .I never thought before what that might be like. I took for granted the blessing I had in him and his excellence as a role model for myself and for my children. He was 89 and until he fell accidentally I thought he would surely make 100! And while I am still celebrating the day with my sister and my older son, it is a bitter sweet day. The need to be part of a family is now more important to me than ever since I am alone. My youngest son will be absent because he will off to see his own father. An ex husband who destroyed a 22 year marriage with lies and deceit and left me penniless. Yet, it is where my son should be. He is, after all, with his father on this special day and I encourage that bond no matter what the circumstances. It is the right thing to do.
During my father's life, my son made his grandfather the priority on Father's Day. Today, however, he needs to share it with his own father. My oldest now has a recent wife and G-d willing will eventually create a new generation of children of whom he will father. And then this day will represent new beginnings for me and not sorrow. But today, my Daddy will be severely missed. Today, I am a 60 year old woman who wishes upon a star that for one moment I could be that little girl again and climb up into my father's lap and give him a hug and just hear his voice again. I wish I could feel his big warm arms around me and have the security that I would always be safe, and feel loved because Daddy would make sure of it. Today I miss the past and the man who was to me the dearest father in the world. Happy Father's Day Daddy. I love you. xoxo Lesley